I could describe my week with a list of all the annoying, tedious and legitimately crappy events. I've made it to where I'm sitting in a quiet room and writing, so why go back, and bring you along? Here is precisely what I love about self-inquiry, the moment-to-moment discovery that all I am exists right now. In the moments when I remember, I am accepting the bliss of "I don't know, I just am". To know means I've invented a story that feels really believable to me, a solid plot line. My friend doesn't think I'm being a good enough friend to her and so she's punishing me by ignoring me. Then my job is to connect it to experiences I've had in the past. Friends have betrayed my trust, or abandoned me when I needed them most, or picked better friends over me. Good thing I save all those stories, now I have proof that I'm not wrong! The scene has been set, just as I remember it, all I have to do now is wait for the cast of characters... My friend didn't call AGAIN! That figures... So typical. Go ahead, abandon me, I saw this coming a mile away.
The work of self-inquiry begins with 4 questions, developed by Byron Katie:
Is it True?
Can you absolutely know it's true?
What happens, how do you react when you believe the thought?
Who would you be without the thought?
It is as simple and as that. Looking at your story through this lens of self-inquiry is unfailingly rich. The story I worked so hard to craft, to earnestly support with detailed backstory, sheds itself like tight-fitting clothes. Each zipper and button, a deeper breath. Reality reveals itself, bit by bit, and it is always more comfortable than the invented story. Every single time. Crafting the story about reality is hard work. Accepting reality isn't work, it's bliss. I haven't heard from my friend in a while, and I don't know why. I can't know my friend's thinking, close as we are to eachother. I am still working at recognizing my own thoughts (and then letting them go!) so how can I know another's thoughts? And is it worth it to be right, that my friend is actually punishing me? Making meaning of reality brings me stress, accepting reality feels liberating. I accept the reality, I haven't heard from my friend in a while.
In my childhood I remember a minister reminding me to "pray, and move your feet." In the words of Ekhart Tolle, "...accept, then act." I think this is what you get out of forgiveness, of others and yourself. Forgiveness is looking new to me lately, with new understanding so I'm figuring this out as I type: The act of forgiveness is in recognizing what no longer serves and replacing it with a blank canvas, a wide open field, infinite potential. Deep breath, then surrender into the blissful "I don't know". All of a sudden there is room for vulnerable, innocent me to wonder, "when was the last time I called my friend?"