This is for Lesa, who promises to check in on what I've written today. I was giving myself a hard time yesterday for not doing what I planned, for not writing when it was writing time, and when I started to explain today that I was having writers block I instead said that when I expected to write I just didn't. That stressed me out less. All the games to sidestep the mind and get back to creating, the passive act of being a channel which can seem totally confounding.
I took Josie apple picking this weekend, just the two of us because she asked for that. I wrote about it earlier this week from the point of view of being her mom and giving her what she needed. Lately she's been clingy and anxious when I go away or the routine changes. I tried explaining to her that my Mom didn't teach at my school, that Gramma Llannii never taught at Daddy's school, that what she and Theo have is kind of rare- to see your parent at school during the day, and then it dawned on me again that her problem doesn't want logic and won't be argued better. I am reading Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart and a passage struck me about problems and solutions. She says that we encounter problems in life, but the suffering is not from there being a problem. The suffering comes from wanting there to be a solution that ties everything up in a neat bow. I'm trying to talk her out of her problem because it's touching on stuff that bothers me too- why can't I always be there? What am I missing out on when I'm away from her and Theo? Is this the right time to start a new business or should I wait until they're grown a bit more? Josie has lost five teeth. FIVE. She is the youngest, and I'm finished having more children, and the growing up is freaking me out. At times I'm excited about the new adventures that having growing up children allows, we had such a blast this summer traveling together. Other times I'm totally melancholy about how Theo would sit with me for hours building things out of modeling clay, and how Josie used to say Cwocky-Kwylo when she dressed up in the crocodile costume. There, I've made myself cry. Maybe Josie and I are both clinging a little, to what seems like it's the most comfortable- that things always be the same. Theo's biting his nails, one of the things worth noticing with a quiet and thoughtful kiddo, he's probably puzzling out the same stuff. We are all growing and changing, so maybe what we all need is more assurance that there are very big things that won't change. I was so scared of becoming a mom and losing myself when Theo was born, now I'm afraid of losing motherhood and going back to just being myself. All stories laced with sweetness and pain. What won't change is the huge portion of my heart that holds these two beings. Carving out that room for them has made me more fully myself, pushed and shoved out to my edges and so much richer.